


But not yet...

by nattycakes



Series: Defined. [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: BDSM, But it will be higher rated later on, Character Study, D/s, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Eggsy & Roxy Bromance, Eggsy has so many issues, Eggsy learns, F/M, First few chapters will be a character study, Gen, Harry is a sweet heart, M/M, Merlin Listens, Roxy is a BAMF, Slow burn to get back where they're at
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 13:23:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4788797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nattycakes/pseuds/nattycakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy doesn't understand what he did wrong. You can only blame your past for so long, until you actually deal with it. A new house, a nanny for Daisy, and from the outside a perfect marriage. It's just, not what he thought was going to happen. He thought it was figured out, but he was so round, so very wrong. Turns out, just because you're an adult, doesn't mean you've grown up.  This is part of a series, you should read "A common goal," to get this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Questions

**Author's Note:**

> This is the start of a multi chapter fic, where Eggsy grows up, understands what marriage is, what being a brother means, and what being a son means, as well as being a proper friend. All the while trying to break up a drug ring in London. He can't see where he's wrong, but he can't see where he is right either. I do have a beta (yay!) who hasn't read this chapter, all mistakes are mine. I do not have a brit pic, and I would love to talk to someone about BDSM aspects because it's been pointed out that my own experiences were.. not so great. More notes in the end.

When Eggsy and Harry were having tea the next day, after calling Maria and saying they were running late, at work, yes they were fine, just late Harry stared at Eggsy for a second. Eggsy wondered if he was glowing he was so happy, but Harry looked, troubled. 

Not just troubled, but worried. 

“Out with it then.” Eggsy all but spat, his bubble bursting. 

“Eggsy, we’ve discussed many things. safe words, limits, and dynamics, but we’ve not discussed something and it’s starting to feel like the elephant in the room.” Harry said, as neutrally as possible. 

“Aren’t those the things you discuss? Like, yeah I can tie you up, but I can’t gag you?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, but I think you should talk to your therapist. Actually, I’m putting a limit on this Eggsy, darling, this,” he motioned between the two of them, “is not going to be happening again until you’ve spoken with her.” 

“Harry, I can finally get hard again, and you what, now you don’t want me to fuck you? Or you to fuck me? I don’t get it.” he was angry. 

“Eggsy, I told you months ago, if we never had sex again, I would be okay. I missed you more than anything, and if this is part of you, I am willing to learn. But I know I jumped into this too quickly. I need to research myself. Take the creed for this type of relationship dear, ‘Safe, Sane, and Consensual.’ at best, there was only one that was done last night, and at worst, none.” Harry stated matter of fact. 

“Harry if you wanted me to stop, you could have said so, when I said fucking crawl to me, you fucking crawled.” indignant, that’s what Eggsy was, indignant. 

“Darling, please, talk to Morgan. If you’re too angry at me, stay another night here, but this will not continue without that. Of that I can assure you.” that kindness again, that one that made Eggsy’s skin boil. 

“Harry, please, please don’t.” 

“Eggsy, you don’t understand. In this thing, I do have the benefit of age, and please understand, I’m looking out for your best interest. I swear to it.” 

“Swear down Harry, swear down, we ain’t going backwards.” He was pleading. 

“Eggsy, you’re young and still finding yourself. I just hope that what you find still has a place for me. We’ve rushed so many things in our lives out of fear, let’s not rush this.” Harry said calmly. 

“Yeah alright then, I’ll still go home, I miss my little flower.” 

Eggsy was quiet that evening, listening to everyone but not really participating in the conversation. Of course he tucked Daisy in and kissed her forehead goodnight, but he felt like an outsider. He thought he had everything figured out, and thought Harry was on board, and he wasn’t. Well maybe he was. He wasn’t sure. He just.. he wanted to run and hide. But he figured that was childish. His head just kept spinning, weren’t things okay now? Wasn’t this a fix to everything? He just couldn’t grasp it. 

“Harry, I just, I don’t understand.” Eggsy said when he crawled into bed. 

“I don’t think I can explain your feelings on this as well I can explain my own. And I hate to put it off love, I really do, but the fact that you thought last night was perfectly fine to spring on someone, shows a problem.” 

“But you enjoyed it!” 

“Why yes, which is why I wanted to talk about limits and the rest. I actually found I liked it more than I thought I would. I do like control Eggsy, I’m sure you’ve noticed, but giving some of that up, felt great as well. I do want to try some of that with you, but I really think this is something we can explore, together. But it must be within the safe, sane and consensual Eggsy.” 

“I can almost understand that Harry, it’s just, that you liked it. Why wouldn’t you just tell me to stop?” 

“I don’t have an answer for that Eggsy, not everything in life has one. But let’s get some rest, I’m sure Merlin is going to have my balls for not getting you to HQ today.” 

“Harry, when we got married, I told you marriage first, job next. Now it’s marriage first, Daisy, and then job. It’s going to be an adjustment. For all of us.” 

“That, we can absolutely agree upon love.” and he kissed Eggsy goodnight. 

The following week was a blur of much of the same. He was reviewing where the runner was going, and while he was sleeping in their bed, they wouldn’t hardly do more than a peck on the check. While Eggsy didn’t exactly understand what he had done wrong. Hell Harry had had him bent over the sofa more than once begging for more, calling him a whore and he loved that. But then again, Harry had asked him if he was okay before, during, and after. He didn’t seen Morgan for another few days, and needed to get his head around everything going on. 

Daisy was doing well in nursery school, and she had been asking about her Mum, Eggsy knew she missed her, and that just added to his misery. He had thought that getting their own place would fix it, helping Daisy would fix that, finally know what was going on with him and Harry, it would all be fixed. But all it was was a band-aid. He asked Maria to pick up Daisy, he needed to talk to someone who was close but not in the middle, and Roxy was available for tea. He really needed to give Maria a weekend off, with pay.

At the little tea shop around the corner from Roxy’s and Merlin’s flat, he added way too much sugar to his tea and dove right into it. 

“So I had him crawl to me,” Eggsy started. 

“He’s an older man, that couldn’t have been kind to his knees.” 

“Please let me finish,” He took a gulp of his tea and gestured to the pot, pouring some more in, “Honestly Rox, it was bloody fantastic. It was some of the best sex I’ve ever had. I loved telling him what to do, and he was gagging for it. But the next day he told me it wouldn’t happen again until I talked to Morgan.” 

“Eggsy, love I don’t need the full details, but did you talk first? Go, this is what I want to happen, and if you’re emendable, we can continue?” She sipped her cream tea. She was worried, she only ever had cream tea when she was worried. 

“Um, well, yeah kinda. I told him I wanted to talk, he cut me off, and I er, punished him,” Eggsy started and was cut off.

“Eggsy, I’m almost ashamed for you. Almost because, I doubt you think you did anything wrong. That type of relationship needs trust, and you broke so much of that. Eggsy, before Harry, had you ever had a normal relationship? One with give and take, with compromises and trust?” She inquired. 

“Er, having a one off with a bloke or bird maybe. I never thought I’d be the marrying kind after watching what Dean did to me mum, I just, couldn’t see myself. I wanted to beat him to death, I wanted to him to hurt. And now that fucker is sleeping in her flat while mum is all strung out on god knows what.” He sighed. 

“Love, you have many more problems than sex. No wonder you don’t feel like yourself. You’re a great man Eggsy, and you could be a good one if you adapt. You ought not to treat your husband like trash unless you both agree, and same for him. You told me before how he likes to take you sometimes rough. I think you should research, and talk, there is not such a thing and too much talking love. And go see your mum. I agree that my God Daughter is in a much better place with you two, but she does need to see her. Even if it’s with either you or Harry present. Daisy is headstrong, and full of life, and smart. I’m always here to lend an ear love, I mean, unless France has another dirty bomb.” She smiled. 

“Rox, I don’t know what I would do without you. I think I get it, yeah. I mean, we all have hang ups, and we all have fucked up past yeah?” it was the first time Eggsy had smiled in a week. He missed it. 

“Eggsy,” she finished her tea, “You can do this. I think seeing Morgan would be first among research on what you want sexually. There isn’t one way to have sex. And you don’t actually have to fuck to be intimate. Love comes in so many forms, it doesn’t have to match what you’ve seen.” 

“I’ll see you at HQ love, I need to get a new suit done up, and Daisy has a parents night, might go to see if Mum wants to go.” He kissed Roxy’s cheek, and left. 

“Ugh, that arse always leaves me with the tab.”


	2. thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You never mean to follow in your parents footsteps, Eggsy never realised just how much like his mum he was. He goes to visit her the day of Daisy's parents day. What he finds saddens him, and makes him rethink his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've not been kind to Michelle, but someone said I didn't give her a chance. I feel like a lot of Eggsy's life has been fucked up by the phrase, "take care of your mum"  
> Some notes on this; because of how I was raised, I have bathed my mum and cleaned puke out of her hair. I don't hate her now, she's clean. But it was a very long road. In this Eggsy starts to realise that parents are people before they are parents. And starts to see Michelle in a new light.

Eggsy had gone to see Michelle. She looked like she had been run over, and left to die. Dean weren’t anywhere to be seen, so that made talking a bit easy, if Michelle wasn’t slurring every word. 

“What you takin’ Mum?” He picked her up to drag her to the bath. “What did you take?” 

“I Eggsy you’re here, I just was gonna take a nap, make sure Daisy was laying down.” She closed her eyes. What are you doin’ love? I’m fine. I’ll be fine, just leave it alone” she made herself almost a dead weight hard to carry. Thankfully Eggsy had enough training to fireman carry her. 

“Mum, we’re getting in the bath, and I’m going to make you some tea yeah, we need to have a chat. When’s Dean coming back?” He was almost yelling. 

“Dean? Dean fucking left yeah. He said he got a job and and left didn’t he? He said I was a waste, couldn’t even take care of his kid. That wanker. I just, I don’t want to be alone.” She was crying, mascara all over her face. 

“Alright Mum, let’s get you in the bath yeah, come on, that’s right. It’s nice and warm,” He got her shirt off and helped with her jeans, left Michelle to do her underthings. This wasn’t the first time in Eggsy’s life he cleaned up his Mum after bender. He thought that was the past but he realised recently that his past was haunting him like a fucking shitty ghost. 

“I’ll just sit on the toilet right, I’ll be right here, you’re safe.” Eggsy took in a deep breath, trying to steady his own heart rate, “Just don’t go falling asleep on me, alright? We’ll get through this, I want to help.” 

“Help,” Michelle said with a nasty tone, “You help was sticking me here in this flat, with no one I fucking knew, and taking care of Daisy. You took my child, you took my fucking life from me Eggsy,” she was sobbing, huge violent sobs coming from her chest, “And you act like it’s all good because you can provide. You ain’t provided shit. You just left me. Tailor, my arse. You’re just like your dad. You left me first change you got. You shit.” she washed her face and cried silently. 

Eggsy didn’t say anything back, he wanted to. He wanted to say getting out of those terrible flats was helping her, giving her the means to take care of his sister was helpful. And she invited Dean back in her fucking life, he didn’t ask him to come back. He was in the right. 

“And now you come over, and think you’re the best son. You’re helping again right? Couldn’t let me just sleep this off because you need to talk. What about what I need Eggsy? What about that?” she screamed.

“What do you need Mum. You acted like I was some hero, when apparently I ruined your fucking life yeah.” His temper was flaring. This was going from bad to worse. 

Michelle started to wash her hair, and Eggsy was silently fuming. Yeah, he was about to start talking to a therapist, but Harry really fucked him mentally saying ‘take care of your mum.’ He doesn’t regret his life, but he fucking hates this. Taking care of his Mum means washing puke out of her hair. No child should have to do that. No child should be beaten by a step dad. No child should be told to run drugs to save his Mum’s arse. When the rent needed to be paid, he got the money, no one questioned how. He knew how the world worked, everyone wanted something. 

“Did you think I wanted something Mum,” he asked quietly. 

“I think you wanted the perfect life that weren’t going to happen. We ain’t those poshos babe. We’re working class, and I’ll die working class.” 

“We don’t have to be mum. We can still be us in a nice house. We can have pot noodles, and watch shit movies without getting so drunk on Brother’s that the house smells like stale apples for weeks. But you didn’t ask me what you wanted.” 

“I want my fucking daughter back, you arsehole. I want her back, and I need her back. She needs her mum.” She opened the curtain. “I want to read her bed time stories, and I want to not hate myself when I don’t understand my daughter whom speaks differently than I do. That fucking corrects me when I fucking talk. I want those things in my life Eggsy, I don’t think I’m built for those things.” 

“I’m going to put the kettle on when you get dressed. You talk, I’ll. listen. If you want my input Mum, tell me. I’m not a child anymore, but you’re still my Mum. I love you. I do want to help.” 

“And that’s the worst part Eggsy. That’s the worst part, I should be helping you, not the other way around. I shouldn’t be living in your house, I should have a proper job, I should be providing for my little flower. I should be happy to see her, but I’m not.” 

Eggsy waited for the kettle to boil, and made some builders tea. The both could use a strong one, but I just couldn’t help making his too sweet. His mum used to say that was the only way he could be, is if he added extra sugar. He smiled to himself, remembering when there were snow globes in their little flat, and it was clean. He remembered when his Mum gave a shit about him, and herself. Not just defining herself with whom she was with. He started to see himself in her. That she stayed with Dean because the alternative is she would have to realise that she didn’t know shit. 

He felt that in his bone. He doesn’t know shit right now. His marriage is hung on by a thread, and the only thing he’s good at, he can’t even figure out the single of the drug kingpin. He was going mental. 

“Alright Mum, here we go,” and he set down the tea in front of her, “The way you like it. One sugar, two milk.” 

Eggsy just sat and waited. He stared at his Mum and saw himself. He had no idea who he was. He had an idea of what he wanted, but not who is he is. He felt even more pathetic than he felt earlier. Maybe more than when he was pickpocketing for his spending money. 

“Babe, I know you mean well, but this, this is too much. I could be happy in a smaller place. I would be happy having a place in this world. Not just being a mum, not just drinking myself to sleep. I hate that. I want help. But I don’t want it from you.” 

Eggsy hugged his Mum, and for the first time, in a long time, cried. “Mum, tell me what you want, I can stay out of it all you want, but I can find you help, if you want. We can clear this place out, and you can find a better place, after…” he trailed off.

“We both I need rehab. I wasn’t the best Mum, I am not going to focus on that anymore Eggsy. I can’t keep thinking of where I fucked up in my life, and where I fucked up yours. But I am ready to stop fucking up mine. Let’s get a bag back yeah, I don’t think if we don’t go somewhere right now, I’ll go. Watch after my flower. I want to do better by her, she wouldn’t be safe her, I almost get that now.”

“Do you want me to have someone pick it for you, or do you want a list?” 

“Eggsy, I don’t want your help. I don’t want you to wake me up from my own vomit and find me dead one day. But I will let you find me a place. Make it out of London, and put this all in storage. Sell it, I do not want to come back here, ever. Finding a place to live will come later. But babe, go to my room, I have something to deal with down here first.” 

Eggsy wasn’t stupid. He knew his mom was doing the rest of whatever she was drawn out on earlier. The last bit. He went upstairs, and tapped his the side of his glasses, contacting Merlin. 

“Merlin, I’m at me mums. I’ll tell Harry in a bit, but mum came up with the idea of going to a rehab. I need a car, and a place outside of London. I’ll need a clean up crew here tomorrow to pack and put everything left into storage. I’ll need a estate agent as well, I’ll be selling the place.” 

“Understood lad, it will all be taken care of. How far out of london, I’m sure the lass will want to see her Mam.” 

“Not like this Merlin, trust me, it’s bad. I’ve fucked up so many part of my life. I just, I don’t know Merlin. I just don’t fucking know. I’m supposed to be at Daisy’s parents day at half four. I don’t know if I’ll make it. I guess I’ll just continue to disappoint.” He sight.

“Lad, I’ve got someone on their way to get your mum, and help her. Someone trained in this, you’re not. Stay till they get there, tell her you love her, and leave. The rest is details. Daisy needs to know that someone is there for her.” 

“I promised the flower that Mum would come, and she can’t. I didn’t even bring that up. I can’t bring her all smacked out to that nursery school.”

“Bring Harry. She adores him, maybe even more than she adores you. He reads to her at night.” 

“Are you taking the piss Merlin?” 

“You really need to talk to your husband, I’m patching you through. And Eggsy, you’re young. You’re gonna fuck up, but we’ll be here to help.” 

“Uh, alright then, um, thanks.” 

Merlin patched Harry through, and with a quick conversation, it was decided that yes, being the head of Kingsman meant he could leave early, and he would meet him at four outside. And told him good luck. 

“yeah, thanks. I.. I better go.” 

He brought his mum her bag, and sat on the couch with her. She had a glazed look in her eye like she didn’t fully know what was coming but was resigned to it. 

“Eggsy, babe, I wish I knew you better, I’m not sure I ever did. I am sorry.” she welled up.

“Mum, I’m not sure I even know myself at this point,” there was a knock at the door. “Well the person is here, all I know is you’re going to a great place in Brighton, you’ve always loved the sea.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“It was one of my happier memories with you and Lee. Just, don’t tell Daisy where I am yeah? She’s too young, she’ll,” Michelle had started to panic. 

“Mum, Harry is smarter than all of us. He will know what to do. I love you.” 

“Eggsy, don’t make my mistakes. Talk to him, he loves you. I’ll see you soon yeah?” She said standing up, going to the door. “Be good, babe.” and she left. 

Eggsy just sat on the couch and cried. Willing himself to have the strength to not finish the cider on the table. He spent so much of his life not being his mum, and trying not to be Dean that he was fucking it all up. He left the house and locked it, resigned that he would put on his happy face and go look at finger paintings that looked more like aliens than flowers in his opinion. 

Maybe this is what trying felt like, he reasoned. He smiled when he saw Harry and took his hand. Maybe this is what starting a life felt like. Maybe, just maybe, he could salvage all the hell he has caused in his own life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so looking forward to getting to Harry and Eggsys marriage, that I wrote both of these in one night. I didn't send these to my beta, and it's almost three am, so all mistakes are mine. I have sent Michelle to a rehab center, and in a different part of the series, will have parts of her in there. She's in Brighton, at Recovery Project. This is the last time you'll actually see her in the fic, but she will be mentioned.

**Author's Note:**

> I love you all. In my first fic, it was pointed out how shitty the BDSM part was, because of what happened. That's part of Eggsy's story, he has to learn how to be a better lover, husband, friend, and son. It's a character story for him that's to have lots and lots of feels and fluff and possibly sex. Rating will go up later. I may have just a chapter of Merlin and Roxy taking care of Daisy, and this is really for me to work out a lot of my own past. Write what you know as they say. Comments are always helpful, I found them awesome on the previous fic, though one was a bit hurtful. Silly thin skin. Thank you for reading!


End file.
